Bashed
by Phususaur
Summary: Naruto sets out to right wrongs and avenge all of those who hurt him in his early years - or so he thinks. (One-shot parody of bashing)


_**Bashed**_

_**A Naruto one-shot**_

* * *

_Dedicated to everyone who's ever bashed a character, ever. May the log save your soul._

* * *

_Finally_, Naruto thought, sitting in the Hokage's office after the chunin exams. It was only a matter of time until he got to sit down and finally put these _bastards _in their place. They betrayed his trust and exploited him, and now he was going to give them a piece of his mind. _Grrrr! I'm just so angry! _He thought to himself, staring at the Sandaime, Kakashi, and the rest of team seven.

"It's about time." Naruto said grumpily, and stared petulantly up at Kakashi and the Hokage.

"What do you want, Naruto?" Kakashi said, with that god-forsaken eye smile of his (Naruto wondered why he did that, it was very obvious to him that eyes didn't crinkle when someone genuinely smiled. There were much less obvious ways to conceal that Kakashi secretly hated Naruto)

"I'm sick of this! You bastards all treat me like shit! It's like I don't exist, or I'm a nonentity to you, you just don't care about how I feel!"

Kakashi sighed and placed his forehead in his palm. "I had a feeling this talk was coming. Ok, then Naruto, go ahead and complain about me first."

"Complain! I'll do more than complain! I'll file a formal complaint! You could have gotten me killed out in the field." Naruto shouted "First, you don't train me at all, leaving me high and dry while Sasuke here is only going upwards! Then, you take us to wave, and _continue _the mission knowing full well it was dangerous! Your student almost gets killed, hell _you _almost get killed by Zabuza, and yet you still continue! Then you continue to not-train us, teaching us only tree walking during the entire mission. When we get back, you only assign us team building exercises even though you _know _I'll never accept those two _imbeciles _you assigned me with! You enter us into the chunin exams 6 months out of the academy, without giving us any training whatsoever! Then, when I make it to the second stage of the exams, you go off and train the 'prodigy' Sasuke and dump me with nobody! I was your sensei's son, and yet after all these years you never looked out for me, ever."

Naruto stopped to catch his breath.

"Hell, you even use the Sharingan like a crutch, the degenerate copy-cat you are."

The room stood still, and Kakashi looked at Naruto like he had three eyes before sighing. He gave Naruto a very serious look.

"Alas! You have penetrated my dastardly disguise and seen through to the true me! It is true, I hate you with the hot passion of a thousand fiery suns for killing my dear beloved sensei, you demon!" Kakashi said in a dramatic monotone.

"Ha! I knew it!"

"Oh, sorry, did you say something Naruto? I just forgot I was in public and read a line from my book out loud." He snapped his book shut (when did he get it out?) and took a deep breath. "Look, I appreciate that you're finally sticking up for yourself, but the academy reports don't lie, you are an idiot of the highest caliber."

"I didn't train you because you were supposed to train on your own. You're legally an adult now, and your responsible for getting stronger on your own time. I tell you to train on your own time after every team meeting, Naruto. Sasuke was "only getting stronger" because he trains like a fucking madman before and after every team meeting. He's no natural genius, not at all, Itachi was a natural genius, but he's determined and willing to work against his very gentle nature to get revenge for his family. Yes, Naruto, gentle natured. The Uchiha clan compound used to say that Sasuke was as sweet as much as his brother liked them. Before the massacre, which I'll remind you, was a _massacre! _Sasuke was a good-natured goof-ball like my old teammate Obito, and like you."

Sasuke looked kind of offended, and Naruto stood in uncomprehending confusion.

"It took him twice as long to master the grand fireball jutsu than any other clan member in history. Ever. Even Obito."

"What about wave!" Naruto demanded.

"You don't seem to understand, Naruto, that I do things for reasons, I'm not just mindlessly cruel. On the road we faced two ninja who were less than chunin rank, which Sasuke dispatched easily. After Tazuna told us about Gato, I figured he just so happened to hire a team of three genin led by either a normal Jounin. (Did I mention I was nearly S-ranked, and that a single normal jounin is nothing?) When I met Zabuza and fought him, I thought my theory confirmed. After all, Zabuza was a fairly weak Jounin. I let him capture me as an assessment of your skills, knowing I could escape at any moment. I was impressed, but I also realized that you were _all _dead weight and missing your potential, all of you except for Sasuke who has preformed admirably. (the killing intent of a jounin like Zabuza is difficult to overcome, Sasuke managed to overcome it's deadly influence in a week."

"His apprentice was better than I expected, but remember I have the Sharingan, which perceives the truth. I saw that the apprentice was only fighting to incapacitate, and was going to finish him off after Zabuza was over with. I did send for reinforcements by the way, but even through the summoning realm sending a message and then assembling a team takes time. They passed us on the way back, and I rendezvoused with their jounin sensei. They spent a week in wave cleaning up after our mess. Oh, and by the way, the tree walking was just to supplement your personal training and give you ideas, not for the skill in itself."

"Team building exercises are necessary because your teamwork is atrocious, and it's all because you can't trust your two teammates. And the funniest part is, you don't mistrust them for any decent or even remotely smart or intelligent reason. Sasuke is willing to work as a team, Sakura is willing to work as a team. You, Naruto, are the problem. You want to be alpha, you want to be top dog, even if you're to stupid to let into that position on the best of days."

"I didn't tell you about Minato-sensei or your heritage because you are and have been too young to know about this. Half the reason your angry is because you couldn't handle that we didn't tell you the truth, and that's living proof you're too immature to know this secret. Even if everything we know about you has been a lie, and you happen to be a very trustworthy and responsible adult in secret, literally everything we've known about you up until now has told us you were an irresponsible blabber mouth, so forgive us if we treated you as one. If that secret got out, remember that 'Your parents had many enemies' is actually a perfectly valuable excuse. Iwa and Kumo would declare war with us on the spot, robbing us of precious allies against the Akatuski."

"The chunin exams were supposed to give you a wakeup call, and it worked, at least for Sakura. You apparently stayed stubborn and arrogant as ever as you progressed to the final round against all odds. I trained Sasuke personally because he was going up against a boy with a _tailed beast_ sealed inside of him, who happened to be psychotic and blood happy. You, Naruto, were only facing a Hyuga prodigy, and an emotionally compromised one at that. Even then, I pretty much bought a month of Ebisu's time to train you – remember that Ebisu is training the Hokage's _grandson_, and was very-much capable of babying you into the training program you wanted, but then you refused because you saw him as a pervert and useless after defeating him once with a cheap trick. And then you went to train with a _Sannin,_ who I knew was your godfather and knew would be in town and knew might train you anyway. And even though he trained you minimally he still courteously taught you how to draw on the orange puffball's chakra in case, _I don't know_, a team of _S-Ranked_ missing-nin were to come across this pitiful under-trained disappointment of a tailed beast container before he could have viable (smarter) Uzumaki children that could carry the Kyuubi."

"All because you didn't decide to train on your own, you decided in your little head 'fuck this training stuff, I'm going to spend my time finding reasons to hate everybody'. And you aren't even _good _at coming up with reasons to hate everybody."

The whole room was stunned, and Naruto sat there, like his brain shut off.

"You have no reason to complain to anyone. You harass Sasuke because he's emotionally unstable from the massacre, without realizing that you're worse. Sasuke is only an avenger, he at least has the worthy goal of taking down Konoha's most dangerous S-Rank missing-nin."

"However, you, Naruto, are an opinionated _dick_."

* * *

AN: There has been a recent trend in fan fiction to mildly bash Kakashi, Sasuke, Sakura and the third before either redeeming them or jumping off the deep end.

I don't want to bash Naruto, but I'm not really bashing Naruto here. I'm bashing the possession-sue Naruto that people use as an excuse for bashing all of the characters in the series. I'm sick and tired of people making countless _stupid _excuses for bashing characters when they could instead come up with valid reasons not to.

They make a "smart!Naruto", a name I've learned to flinch from because it means overpowered, unrealistic!Naruto who has a problem with authority figures doing their god-damned job for once. There is no reason for a twelve year old blabber mouth to know the fact that he's the son of the villages greatest heroes, and that's because when he's smart enough to figure out, he gets so arrogant he could beat post-massacre!Sasuke in an angsting match through sheer the power of bullshit.

Sorry that there's no update for Shintenshin, but I'm cooking up a new side project that I'll post in a day or two along with a revised chapter one and two.

Sincerely,

The Angsty Dino of Doom,

Phususaurus


End file.
